1. Myth: A good relationship means that you don't have to work at it.
Fact: "The strongest most enduring relationships take
lots of hard work," said Lisa Blum, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist in
Pasadena and Los Angeles, who specializes in emotionally focused therapy with couples. She believes that our culture, education system and parenting styles don't prepare us for the fact that even good relationships take effort.
She likened a healthy relationship to a good garden. "It's a beautiful
thing but you wouldn't expect it to thrive without a whole lot of labor
and TLC."
But how do you know if you're working too hard on a relationship? One
sign, according to Blum, is if you're feeling unhappy more than you're
happy. In other words, are you spending more time tending to the
relationship and keeping it afloat than enjoying it?
This unhappiness becomes less of a rough patch, and more like the "normal state of affairs," she said.
Another bad sign is if you're trying hard to make improvements and
changes, but you don't see the same level of effort on your partner's
part. "There has to be some sense of 'we're trying really hard, both
making changes and that's making a difference.'"
On the flip side, if both of you are trying and you can see positive
changes being made at least some of the time, then that's a good sign,
Blum said.
